Full Cycle

I started this blog a little more than 4 years ago.  I had just moved and I was on the verge of leaving a job that made me miserable.  Even though I wasn't happy with where I was, I was scared of the unknown.

Well, four years (and a couple of months) later, I've recently moved and I'm about to change jobs again.  Unlike four years ago, I feel blessed in my job and my personal life is  fulfilling. So I've come full circle, back where I started, but somehow on a whole new level.  I'm still a little scared about the future, but there's butterflies of excitement in there, too.  It's good.

But my blog isn't really supposed to be about that.  It's supposed to be about scrapbooking, the Silhouette and other crafty goodness.  So without further ado:

I really need to tweak a thing or two about this layout. I'm not satisfied with the word "short" and it's bugging me.  That said, I love that I got this picture out there with that statement.  For a solid year, every time I talked to Ted I would catch him looking at the top of my head.  Hey, buddy, my eyes are down here! (har har har)  He finally passed me up in early 2013, and he's not as fixated on my part anymore.  Somehow it just didn't sink in that he had gotten this much taller than me already.  And "When did I get so short??" was my true gut reaction to seeing this picture.

And in other housekeeping:  I was on The Paperclipping Roundtable this week.  Yeah. That happened.  For real.  Such an incredibly fun experience.

Apparently it was so amazing that it rendered me incapable of writing sentences like a grown up.  The good news is that during the podcast I don't trip over my words and I sound like I have an intelligent opinion.  On the other hand, you could play a drinking came for every time I called Noell "Nicole".  You wouldn't get drunk or anything, but it did happen.  Fortunately it only happened once, and in the pre-show I apologized in advance because I had a feeling I would do it.  Very embarrassing.  But hey, I didn't cuss, so there's that.

That's about it.  Today is my very last day at Dodd Camera.   I start my student teaching stint with an orientation on Tuesday evening and I'll be in the classroom to observe starting Wednesday at 7:45.  Not sure when I'll actually get to take over the classroom, but I'll be sure to mention it here.  I'm working with two cooperating teachers and teaching 2 Algebra II classes and and 3 Algebra I classes.  Yay!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend and thanks (as always) for stopping by!

Almost Finished

"Cakes get done, people get finished."  I wonder what little quirky sayings my children will remember about me?  Wow, new world record for digressing.

Last Friday I was heading in to class, walking the long way around to avoid some stairs (giving my knees a rest) and I looked up at exactly the right time.  I usually take the stairs, so I get a different, less photogenic view.  When I looked up and saw the school from this angle, with the tree and the glow of the inside lights - I knew I had to back up a foot or two and get a quick Instagram. 

Sometimes it seems to take forever for Instagram to boot up.  Especially if one is running a little late or if it's chilly (definitely the later for me, I'm usually pretty good about being punctual).  So while I waited I was thinking about I only had 4 more classes in the semester.  That day and one more week.  This is the last math class that I'm taking.  Next semester I'll have one more class, but I'll only have 2 or 3 actual classes - after that we'll be set lose for student teaching.  It'll be a TON of work for certain, but a different kind of work.  More meaningful, more immediate, more urgent, with bigger stakes and more direct feedback.  I'm a little scared and VERY excited.  And yes, all these thoughts ran through my head waiting for Instagram to fire up.

And I wanted to take some time to document this - the excitement, anticipation, nervousness and immediacy - before it was in the past.  

I have a pile of glassine envelopes - I think I picked them up at this weird bulk paper goods place not too far from here.  I've had them forever, and used some and there, oh, and here, too!  (Isn't it great when you have evidence that actually used stuff you bought??)  I also bought a huge box of library cards from a teacher supply store.  I think there were 500 cards in the box and it cost about $11.  I've used a ton of them, too, but barely made a dent in the box.  They've been great for journaling, die cutting and even just making lists or quick notes.  Today I used them for hand journaling.  *Gasp*! I rarely hand journal, for a whole bunch of reasons, but the library cards are liberating, especially in the glassine envelopes - it's easy to start over, the handwriting doesn't have to be perfect since it's pretty well concealed, and I don't have to worry about keeping it short, since I can easily stack lots of the library cards in the pocket. That's a win/win to me.

 Some detail shots.  I don't necessarily think you want or need them, but I'm getting into the habit anyway.  

Some favorites right now:

• Have I mentioned lately how much I ♥♥♥ aflairforbuttons at Etsy?  Oh, I have, haven't I?? Naughty blogger!
• I just found the font Grand Hotel at fontsquirrel.com.  Wait.  Wasn't I just talking about them recently, too?  Hmmm.  I'm turning into my grandmother maybe. 
• The "Math Notebook Washi" blends in too well, which is a crying shame.  It's beautiful.  Freckled Fawn is genius for making it. For me. Let's go with that. I like to feel special, and it's working. 

And there's no link for it, but I do like the swoopy way I did the stitching.  I don't know why I did it, or why I like it so much, but I do.  

And I wonder if I'm the only person who's guilty of using leftover tidbits from recent layouts, even it it might not actually work.  The little star (next to the heart)?  It's a leftover from a recent football layout.  The scalloped circle under the owl is a leftover scrap of paper from that same layout.  The scallop shape is one I just used in a Christmas project I'll share next week.  But when I knew I wanted a scalloped circle to ground the flair, I know exactly which one I wanted to use. And why. (It's the 5 scalloped circles from the Silhouette store.)  The little white tag and the red heart were also in my little bowl of leftover die cuts.  And the aqua blue thread was the thread on sewing machine.  It only just barely works, but it doesn't NOT work, so I wasn't going to go to the effort of changing it out.  I don't know if that's laziness or a sign that I've gone zen in my old age.

I hope that you had a fantastic Thanksgiving and are making it through Black Friday untrampled. 

Plan on stopping by Monday afternoon.  We did a fun project for the Silhouette blog and I'm really excited to see what the other girls came up with and I'll have some extra details and thoughts on here. 

See you then!

Scrapbooking from the Soul

(a class with Jill Sprott at twopeasinabucket)

At the risk of sounding cocky, I used to think I was a really good journaler. I used to finish a layout and think "Yeah. I nailed that story."  Maybe not after every layout, but certainly far more frequently than I feel that now.  In truth, I feel like none of my recent layouts have been particularly poignant.  I'm sure there are valid influences at play. Maybe it's harder to emote about teenagers?  Maybe the complexity of my living arrangements have left me guarded? Maybe it goes all the way back to the divorce?   This is most probably the closest.  After the separation I gave up scrapbooking all together for a couple of years.  And when I picked it up again, things had definitely shifted in my mindset...

Whatever the reason, I want to change it.  At $12, Jill's class seemed like a good idea.  Over this past weekend I had pulled out a picture of Ted.  He was sitting in my old bedroom, watching t.v. with me and soaking his feet in vinegar water.  He would probably prefer that I not share this with the whole world, but Ted's feet can really hum.  So every couple of weeks during baseball and football seasons he soaks his feet in vinegar water.  It's a miracle cure for foot odor.  No lie.

I feel like there's so much to say.  But when I looked at the photo all that came to me was schmaltzy 'soaking up' puns.  Ugh.  I love this kid and I'm so impressed and proud of him and the way he carries himself, his work ethic, how kind and helpful he is, and ....and...and...and a hundred other great qualities.  But nothing bubbled to the surface without making me groan.

I wanted to have a nod to the fact that he was soaking his feet, but I wanted it to be subtle.  My take-away from the first lesson of Scrapbooking from the Soul was to look past the obviousness of the photo and find the bigger story.  It occurred to me that we're really just entering Ted's teenage years.  He's rounding the corner to 15, but I sometimes lose sight of that - he is so tall, so manly, and so mature that I forget that he's just 14.  When the phrase 'getting our feet wet' popped into my head I knew that was something I could run with.

I'm going to share the journaling, but please keep in my mind that I have a degree in math for a reason.  While I enjoy writing for my personal use, it's never been anything to served me well academically.  So...be nice. :P

We’re only about a year and a half into Ted’s teenage years.  I feel like we’re just getting our feet wet here.  If you believe the hype about raising teenagers that’s perpetuated by sit-coms, this is supposed to be hard, eye-rolling work.  Everything from getting him to take out the garbage to getting him to bathe should be a massive undertaking. But that’s so not the case with Ted.  Maybe it’s the athletic training? Maybe it’s just his genetic make-up?  But Ted has always been a good kid.  Not perfect, mind you, but he really strives to do good. I suppose that in some regards I’ve been holding my breath, waiting and wondering if the teenage years will change that about him.  
  We’re just getting our feet wet here.  There’s still a long way to go and I’m hoping the trajectory we’re on continues.  I love that Ted respects others and that he respects himself, too.  I love that Ted isn’t too cool to give his mom big, floppy hugs.  I love that he thinks about others and will do sweet things to make others happy.  Yes, I can’t deny that his willingness to take the garbage out without being told is a personality trait that I hope lasts forever.  But in this photo, Ted is soaking his feet in vinegar water and watching t.v. with me.  I adore the fact that he’s willing to do both of these things.  One demonstrates his respect for self, the other one just makes me warm and fuzzy.  Thank you, Ted, for keeping me company and making me so proud to be your mom.

Thanks for stopping by.  And if $12 won't break your bank, I do highly recommend "Scrapbooking with Soul."  It's good stuff.

Dear Scrapbook Supplies...

I miss you.
♥Caroline

Obviously I didn't post a layout for the 15th of this month.  That's okay.  I love my ability to set priorities, and sometimes prioritizing some crafty time is important to my sanity, sometimes it is not.  

I've been observing in the classroom for the last three weeks (you know, in all that "free time" I have) and today and tomorrow I am teaching four classes.  It's all very exciting, and worth back burnering my Ugly Sketch Project for a couple of weeks.  But I just sat down at my desk - which is also my scrappy place - to prepare for tomorrow and wow! I *really* want to play.  I'm not going to. It'll have to wait until later...probably next week, in fact.  But I can't wait!

Life is good.  It feels so good to set a goal and then work to make it happen.

Stop by next week. Come hell or high water, I'll have something to post. YAY!

Stressed. Out.

Dear, sweet Baby Jesus, I could use a break. I'm tirrrrred.  Like, tired to the core. And here's the thing: I slept 8 hours last night.  And the night before. Which is a sure sign that I'm stressed out, cuz day'm! When I get stressed out there's nothing that I want more than a nap.

Well.  Cheese and beer are up there, too, but seriously - a nap would be the bomb.

That's me.  Yesterday.  Right before going in for my first day of teacher observations for my Methods in Teaching Field Studies class.  I'm really excited about this.  Excited in an "Wow! This is great! I'm getting so close to my goal!" annnnd...also....excited in an "Wow! This is positively terrifying!"

And as excited as I am, I'm also pretty panicked about it.  It's a lot of work, with worksheets and reflections, lesson plans and work samples and actually TEACHING 4 classes.

Now. I am not afraid of teaching.  I've taught at an expo with more people in each class than the biggest class I'm observing.  And I teach plenty at work now.  But there's a huge difference between teaching classes where your students are eager to be there and teaching classes where your students are obligated to be there by law.

But that's not all.  If that were the only thing on my plate, I'd be stressed.  Because that's what I do.  I worry.  But I channel that worry into preparation and then I kick major ass.  Sadly, there's only so much preparation I can I do for the rest of my life right now.  I came home from work on Monday night to find a "for sale" sign in the front yard.  I knew it was happening, and soon, but still it felt like being hit in the gut by a sturdy 12 year old boy.  It wasn't enough to put me down, but it still put a catch in my breath.

Today I found that I owe my insurance company $500 for a pair of glasses that I bought in the fall that aren't covered. Yay!

Jim texted me later to let me know that there will be showings tomorrow.  Yes. Because I wanted to come home from work and clean a house that I don't give a shit about.

I did Maggie's taxes today.  I don't know what Ruby Tuesday was thinking, but somehow they didn't take out enough and "she" owed $259.  Right. Because she has $259 to pay that.  And can get it to me before the 15th.  Guess who paid that?

And there's more. Lots more.  But not mine to share but it still affects me.  I just want it to be May, have both my classes done with and some kind of resolve about where I'm going to live come mid-June.  We're going to see a house on Sunday.  Should be interesting...

Next time I'll be happier. Or drunk. I'll let you know. ;)

Happy Halloween!

The manfriend said "You need to update your blog."

My response: "I know. But I'll just whine about school, and who wants to read that?"

Well, I'm going to update, and I'm going to address school, but I'm not going to whine about it. This time.  ;)

Things are...going.  Last week I had a doozy of a day.  I really bombed a quiz.  Like 10% bomb.  Ouch.  (Mind you, I'm not whining, just telling the story)  I handed in a nearly blank quiz sheet and spent the rest of the class silently wiping away tears of humiliation and stress and worry. After class I went home, cried some more (not so silently)(let's hear it for time and place appropriateness!) and then dug in.  Problem was, I had deprioritized that class to make room for a final in another.  I thought I understood a little, when it turns out I barely understood at all.  I was really scared that I had gotten myself so far behind that I was going to have a really difficult time catching up.  But here's what I like about me  (sometimes*): I decided to think about how I would help my kids in this situation, and then try to follow that advice. So while wallowing in my pity party and worrying that I'd never catch up, I decided that I was going to try to figure out what it was that I didn't understand.  If I could articulate what I didn't understand, at least I could walk into my professor's office with my head held high and say "I've tried to figure this out, but I can't make it click.  Would you mind explaining to me how to do xyz."  Because that's what I'd tell my kids to do.  (if in fact, their genius mother couldn't help them :P  ).  I spent the afternoon working homework problems, and getting one wrong after the next, but really paying attention to what it was that I was having issues with.  And then trying to think critically about it...instead of giving in to the urge to throw up my hands, give up, and take a nap.  And oh, how I love to take a nap!  Turns out that in trying to pinpoint what my issues were, I actually figured out what the heck I was doing wrong.  I decided that I would visit my professor the next morning anyway, and ask for clarification on a couple of more difficult problems.  It wouldn't hurt to have him shed some insight on those problems, and it certainly wouldn't hurt to show him "hey, I'm trying."  I spent a good portion of the weekend trying to get caught up entirely, and back to feeling good.  And Mother Nature/Sweet Baby Jesus were on my side, closing school on Tuesday (the next time that class met) due to the storm, which gave me a whole extra day to get right with calculus without piling on more stuff.  (Sometimes I think that's the hardest part - we move at a crazy fast pace, and if something doesn't 'click' into place right away, there's no pause before we move on to the next topic.)  So the purdy notecard is my "fresh start."  I'm making a new effort to take better notes, to make a card like that for each section we cover (to make homework easier, but also to help when exam time rolls around.)  And can I tell you? I have center of mass down cold.  See? I'm not whining.  This is my triumphant post about how a humbling experience turned into feeling all "Yay!" again. Yay!

This is a scrapbook/crafty/Silhouette-y/Cameo-y type of blog though, so I should also show:

Going back to my roots in uber-simplicity, and featuring American Crafts Pumkin Patch.  I have a couple of pictures from this day that I really love, and yet I haven't told the story about getting her ears pierced.  But this wasn't the time - this is just that smile... No cheese, not forced, not fake.  That's 100% real, honest, happy.  And that's all that needed to be said.  

I do have some other stuff in the wings. 

Like:

  And:

Oh! And I wanted to share one more thing.  I take my writing implements VERY seriously. I find something I like and I stick to it and I love it to death.  So I buy my Bic Round Stics by the case, and guard my GraphGear1000 by Pentel with my life. I like my Sharpies sharp and in every shade for notes to the kids and coworkers - they say "Hey, I'm in a fun color, but don't tell her you didn't see me!" And for my notecards (like above)  I am absolutely, positively head over heals in love with: 

Which can be found at Amazon: Staedtler Triplus Fineliner felt tip pens.  Love them. A lot.

And with that, I'm going to sign off.  I hope everyone is safe and dry! Thanks for stopping by!

Hypocritical Cow!

Or holy cow, if you're not familiar with my auto-correct.

It's been a month since my last visit.  And because this is as close to a diary as I have, I'm going to address you, but talk about things that might only be important to me.

It's been a month.  This whole process is testing me.  Pushing me to my limits and challenging me to throw in the towel.  I thought the summer was hard.  Oh, dear GOD, was it.  So hard.  But somehow juggling 3 classes, 11 credits isn't much easier.  I have elevated time management to a religion.  Times like these feel like venial sins.  Forgivable, but still, these moments of unwisely used time mar the surface of hard work.  They make me think: "you aren't working as hard as you could be..."  Never mind I've traded working late for getting up early.  Never mind that I'm so fried that opening a book wouldn't actually do any good anyway. I'm not working: sin.   Ugh.  Sometimes that Catholic upbringing haunts you in ways that you never could have foreseen.

Right now I'm taking three classes.  Calc III. Linear Algebra. Statistics.  Statistics is online, and not...er...how should I say this? It's not a "real" math class.  For a math major in a 'real' school, statistics has a basis in Calculus.  It's a royal pain in the ass.  I took both Statistics and Probability as two classes the first time around. I remember hating them.  This time it's just statistics, and it's the version that psychology majors take. And nursing students and the like.  I'm not knocking what they do, because I can't do it, but it's not the calculus based class that I remember. And I'm thankful for that.  Although, I'm taking it online, and it's entirely self taught. Read the book, take the practice quizzes, take the test, post on forum.  It's time consuming.  And frankly, I'd be mortified to get anything less than an A in a class that isn't really a math class.  Which means I put even more time into it.  The upside is, the class is only 8 weeks long and we're on week 5.  The bonus upside is that I've actually completed all the work for week 5.  Three more to go, baby.

Calc III is easier than Calc II.

LOLOLOLOLOL

Calc III is NOT easier than Calc II, but Dr. Stitz isn't quite as hard as as Prof. Smolko.  And he cracks jokes.  On Tuesday he spent 5 minutes setting up the opportunity to say z-rho (the Greek letter).  There's something so stress relieving about laughing in class.  He gives these insanely hard take home problems but has office hours from noon to 2 every day.  I'm a Tuesday regular now.  He wrote a test that he thought would take us an hour. It took us 3.  I respect Prof Smolko, but it was almost as if he went out of his way not to connect with us.  Dr. Stitz likes us.  It's not easier, but it's different.  Challenging, but somehow doable because of the accessibility of the professor.  I'll be happy to cross it  off my to-do list, but I'm sort of enjoying the process, as well.

Linear Algebra is just going to be a mess.  After a fiasco and several hours on the phone with Notre Dame, at times being extremely strong yet diplomatic, I managed to un-enroll in Notre Dame's Linear Algebra and joined Lakeland's class.  By the time I got there, I'd missed three classes, but with a ton of work, I managed to catch up.  And somehow I still don't understand a damn thing. :P  I took this class at Immaculata and it was it my favorite class.  We studied it from a super practical perspective.  Yeah. They don't do that any more.  Now they go out of their way to be abstract. Yay! Only...not at all. I've actually discovered that MIT has a Linear Algebra class online.  Seriously.  I can watch an MIT professor teach Linear Algebra.  That's pretty friggen cool when you think about it.  Also, it's sort of lucky for my professor...since he sort of sucks. :P

So that's been the last month.  Lots and lots of reading and problem working and stress. Oh, dear sweet baby, the STRESS.

And I have this gig.  I'm supposed to be making kick ass layouts based on sketches for Cord Camera and Scrapbook Studio but that is suffering like crazy.  But I'll tell you what.  There was  a day a couple of weeks ago where I just couldn't take it anymore.  I had a little window of opportunity to use about two hours any way I saw fit.  Truly, I probably should have worked a couple of extra problems, but I had this very cool paper from Bella Blvd from their Birthday Boy collection.  And nothing makes more feisty than telling me what a line is to be used for.  What do you mean "Birthday BOY"?

That there is a birthday page about a girl. And it works.  So there, Bella Blvd!
What really slays me about this page is the fact that it came together in the two hours I had allotted, and that included hemming and hawing on the font for "july" and some paper choices.  I love that everything from Bella Blvd works together seamlessly without that blah grrranimals feel.

And to my friend and DT coordinator, Stephanne: I hope I'm not stressing you out too badly. And THANK YOU so much for being as flexible as you've been.  You have no idea how much that means to me. You're the best.

Totally Monkey Free

In his spoken word poem "What Teachers Make" Taylor Mali says "I make kids work harder than they ever knew they could.  I make a C+ feel like a congressional medal of honor and an A- feel like a slap in the face.  'How dare you waste my time with anything less than your very best?'"

I just finished my Calc II class.  And holy hell, was is it HARD. And there is a very good chance that I only got a C+ in the class.

And yes, it feels like a congressional medal of honor.

I took the class at the local community college.  Community College. Easy, right? Piece of cake.  Over achieving stoners go to community college, right? I mean, if you're only paying $70 a credit hour, how hard can it possibly be?

My teacher was Jim Smolko. He didn't get that memo.  He's taught at Lakeland for over 30 years, and mostly he's retired, but every summer he comes back and teaches Calculus and Analytic Geometry I&II.  Mr. Smolko is probably the best teacher I've ever had...ever.  (The only competition he has is Mr. Aiello, my first true love and the teacher who gave me math, like a present with a bow on it.)  Mr. Smolko treated us like future mathematicians and engineers.  He didn't coddle us and say "Well, you made some silly errors, but I can tell you get the drift."

He gave us a quiz every day and for quite some time I really hated him for it.  But we had the same couple of quizzes over and over and over.  By the end of the semester I KNEW that stuff.  Without hesitation.  Backwards, forwards and inside out.  Go ahead.  Ask me the reduction formula  for the hyperbolic cosine of theta squared.  Cuz I can crank that shit out in my sleep.  Holla!

Yikes.  What happened there?

He graded us HARD.  Dickwad hard.  I recently got back a 40 point, 6 part problem that I got a D on, even though I got the answer to every part correct.  I made a notation error SIX times and for each occurrence he took off three points.  I wrote the wrong symbol.  I did the right symbol, but I wrote the wrong one.  FAIL.

And yeah. I was PISSED.  Cross-my-arms-and-scowl-and-not-take-notes pissed. But I'll tell you what. I will NEVER make that mistake again. EVER.

You know how sloppy habits creep in and tend to cement into place?  Maybe you wrote a cover letter and wrote "thru" instead of "through".  That kind of thing.  Mr. Smolko doesn't let the sloppy habits slide.  He circles them in red pen, writes the correction, and then, depending on the severity of the sloppiness writes "-1" or "-2" or...ugh..."-3."  By the end of the 11 weeks, his students know right from wrong and are conditioned to do it the right way.

One of the things that's been frustrating me at Notre Dame is that I don't feel like teachers actually grade assignments.  It's rare that I get feed back and I've gotten all A's with one exception.  I'm not bragging, I'm saying: I don't think I've earned those grades, I've been given them.  I feel like A's are handed out like participation ribbons in little league.  Those A's don't feel good - yes, I worked for them and I put in lots of effort, but with no feedback and no constructive criticism, there was no growth.  There wasn't stretching for the next level.  I wasn't being pushed.  I don't know if it is the teachers are lazy, or they don't believe that I/we can do better.  The kids in my classes all seem fine with it.  I think the all think they're actually A students. Pffft.

Mr. Smolko wasn't lazy. And he wasn't there to collect a pay check and let mediocrity slide through.  He's the Mr. Miyagi of Lakeland's math department.  He pushed.  He demanded.  He held the bar so high and never once lowered it for us.  Because he believed that we could do it.  Because he was training mathematicians and engineers.

And I would rather earn a C+ in a class where an A really means something than get an A in a class where it means nothing.

I have complained and struggled the whole way through.  I've cursed the teacher, I've been a horrible mother and a cranky coworker and girlfriend.  I've broken promises and dropped the ball on commitments.  I've had way too many RockStars.  But I am so proud of myself for what I've accomplished.

So, so proud.

If you're one of the people I've been cranky at or short with, or I've said I'd do something and I didn't: I'm sorry.  I hope this helps you see the bigger picture. I hope I can make it up to you.

And Mr. Smolko: Thank you. I haven't felt this strong in a long, long time.





And yes. Two back to back posts about how hard life's been and how proud I am of myself.  Tomorrow I will wake up and not spend the entire day patting myself on the back and I'll be back with a more humble post soon.  As always, thanks for stopping by.

Brings new meaning to "Quickie"

I'm going to abandon my usual wordy ways and just post a layout without commentary:

I absolutely LOVE the Fancy Pants Wave Searcher line of papers - so sublime, so perfect for memories of a relaxing time at the beach.  

Man. What I wouldn't give for a week at the beach...

Have a good thought for me on Thursday (7/12).  Second of three tests in my calc class.  I'm all studied out, with writers cramp like you wouldn't believe from working problems from 10a.m. to 8:30p.m. At noon tomorrow we'll be down to a mere three weeks. 

I can do it. 

I can do it. 

I can do it.

(I hope.)

Thanks for stopping by!

p.s.  Yeah. I know. So much for no commentary.

Epic Flail

Have you ever watched a drowning scene in movie or tv show where the actor is swatting at the surface of the water and gasping for air? Only their head is above water more than it's under, so they're not in any real danger (yet) and you feel like yelling at the screen "If you'd just calm down, take a deep breath and keep your fingers together, you'd be FINE!"  It's that flailing around that is so desperate and so very unproductive.  And yet, when you're in that moment, when you feel so helpless and scared and the panic sets in and takes over, it's the only thing your confused body can muster.

Sometimes all you really have to do it put your feet down and stand up to find that you were never really in danger in the first place.

I don't know what this has to do with scrapbooking or blogging, except this round-about "this is where I am" post.  I am not prepared to say that I am a perfectionist, because I am far too lazy for that.  But I'm not fond of failure and I'm even less fond of half-assing it.  And while I'm not a perfectionist, I do have a little "thing" about my grades.  I was never like this the first time around.  I worked kinda hard(ish) but maintaining a good work/life balance was more important than my grades.  And sometimes my definition of "life" was a little way off base.  Note to the 20 year-old version of me: Wheel of Fortune reruns do NOT count as "life."  Anyway, my grades: frankly, it's not the grade that concerns me.  If that were the case I'd cheat.  It's not the grade that concerns me so much as the level of understanding and ability it represents. Someone who earns a B simply doesn't have the same grasp of the material as the person who earns the A.  Theoretically, at least.  Because the person who earned the A could turn around and forget it all by the time their lunch is digested and ultimately know less than the B person, if that B person were diligent about learning from his or her mistakes and keeping the information active within their memory banks.

Theoretically.

There it is. The 83% on my Calc II exam.  That leaves me with an overall  89%.  The good news is, I kept the dumb mistakes to a minimum - maybe 3 points were because I just transcribed something wrong or made a sign error.  That's good.  The bad news is, the other mistakes were because I had genuinely forgotten, or didn't have a good enough grasp of the concept.  Now that is where I feel like the bad actor slapping the water and gasping for breath.  Because I do know this stuff.  And now, because I didn't have it on the day of the test, hopefully I've kicked into my brain in such a manner than I'll do better next time the question comes up.

Oy.  This going back to school as a bona fide adult isn't for wimps.  You develop that work ethic and standards and you raise the bar a little higher and suddenly really decent just isn't good enough.

Remember when this was a scrapbooking blog? Yeah. Me too.  I miss it.



You should take a minute to watch that. Especially if you have kids.  Because it's fun.
And also, so you can walk around singing "Potato, potato, potato. Potato, potato, potatooo. Potato, potato, potato" in your head, like me.

I'll be back in a day or two with an honest to goodness scrapbook post.
Thanks for stopping by.

And hey! Did you know that St. Hubert is the patron saint of mathematics?  He's also the patron saint of hunters, which means he has a pocket protector AND a cross bow.  How cool is that?

What I did on my Summer vacation:

Panicked.

Yesterday was one of those days where my professor talked and I listened...and for as much as I understood, he might as well have been speaking in Portuguese. Ok, maybe it wasn't quite THAT bad.  But it wasn't that good, either. And then he assigned the homework, which looked a little like this:

Chapter 5.8, page 398
ODDS:
19-33
45-73
79-99
105-109

Chapter 6.2, page 420
ODDS:
21-27
33-41
57-61

And then, for good measure, a worksheet.
Oh! And don't forget to study for the quiz.  You know...the QUIZ...the one we start every blessed class with.  His favorite phrase is "...I'll take a point off for every time you make that mistake." I'm convinced it's entirely possible to get a negative score on his tests.

Anyway, yesterday. Holy cow.  By the time 11:00 rolled around last night, I was done.  And by "done" I don't mean "finished my homework." Rather, I mean, I was done trying.  I was throwing in the towel. I woke up this morning with a lump in my stomach. This is the day that it all unravels.  This is the day that the gig is up.  You're not smart enough. You're not strong enough.  You're not dedicated enough. You're a sham. Just like before.

What a crappy way to start the day.

Plus, I hadn't even studied for the quiz.  Most of the time, in a math class, a quiz is "do these three problems."  With Mr. I-Will-Whip-Your-Sorry-Ass-Into-Shape-and-You-Will-EARN-Whatever-Grade-You-Receive it means memorization of definitions, theorems, and formulas. It's a page worth of regurgitation.  Math? Not (generally) a problem. Regurgitation? Sort of an problem.

My big issue yesterday is that we were doing something based on something I learned in 11th grade.  For those who don't know me personally, 11th grade was 1984. Holy SHITBALLS.  (excuse my language, but I deserve credit for holding that in until now) Normally when a teacher is working on something relatively obscure, like, say, hyperbolic trig functions, a teacher might elect to do a brief ten minute refresher.  No.  Not Mr. Damn-The-Calculus-Torpedoes-Full-Speed-Ahead.

Despite the self-loathing mantras I started the day with, I am smart enough to "plug-and-chug."  A mathematical term meaning "just plug the damn numbers into the formula and get the friggen answer already."  It's common practice for people who don't actually know (or want to know) the theories and concepts behind the math.  So I was able to - painstakingly - get through about 70% of the homework.

But 70% isn't really good enough in a class that meets for an hour and 45 minutes Monday through Thursday.  I suppose it would be fully acceptable on Thursday, but if you pull that 70% crap on Monday you are seriously putting yourself behind the eight ball for the rest of the week.  This guy moves fast and if you don't get what we talked about yesterday, you might be building your flimsy house of cards on a sandy beach in a windstorm, if you get my drift. Which is partially why I woke up with nothing kind to say to myself this morning.  "You're fucked" was kind of as nice as I could muster.

But the heavens smiled on me today.  He hadn't even taught the whole chapter yesterday.  And during our break I mentioned that I hadn't been in a trig class since 1984 (which, by the way, is a critical error when surrounded by a bunch of 19 year olds. There was a faint ripple of "1984??"s heard in the room after I said it. What an ego booster.  Because I'm taking that as they all had no clue that I was ...well...as old as I am.  Guess that cat's out of the bag now, eh?) Anyway, I mentioned the 1984 thing and that I couldn't really remember what it all meant and the professor didn't really say anything.  But then after he covered one or two things, he offered us an impromptu extra credit assignment.  In the course of telling us what he wanted us to do, he fully unfolded the concepts that I hadn't understood.   He drew and labeled graphs, reminded us what things meant, worked some parallel problems.

Gratitude is one of those things that has been ingrained in me from a million years ago.  I don't know if it's from years of "Say 'thank you.'" or the format of the way I pray, but good doesn't go unnoticed.  I am so grateful for the way he dropped back and punted.  That he changed up his lesson to quietly accommodate the old lady and did in a way that wouldn't bore the other students, and would even throw a life raft to some other students.  Despite my panic today, I'm doing well in the class.  I don't "need" extra credit, per se.  However, doing the exercise will reinforce what I had long ago forgotten.  That he didn't throw me under the bus for the other students to see or ignore my issues, for that I am extremely grateful.

Oh, and that homework up there^^^?  For the first time ever, he reposted it and told us to finish it up.

Whew.

And so I came home with a HUGE weight off my shoulders.  Today would not be the day it all unraveled.  Or the day the gig was up.  I might revisit the sham thing, but I can let go of it today.

And then I allowed myself to work on some design team stuff.  Oh how wonderful it is to "have" to scrapbook.  To be able to switch gears, switch from left brain to right brain is such a relief sometimes.  And how grateful am I to have this opportunity to have this balancing agent in my life? ETERNALLY.

And the Instagram shot at the top of the post? That's the sneak peek.  But you knew that already.  ;)

Memorial Day Sneak Peak

Blah Blah Blah.
This is the third version of this because apparently I thought you needed the blow by blow of my weekend, but really, what you need to know boils down to this:

1. I was actually at my house for the weekend.  (normally I am not)
2. Due to the holiday (Thank you to all who have served, past and present) I had the day off.
3. I cleaned and purged my scrap room.  There will be some really kick ass trash at 8860 this Thursday.
4. I have scrapped 3 layouts SO FAR this weekend.  I'm hoping to squeeze in one more before bed.
5. I have a sneak peak:

6. I think I failed to mention that I recently took a class called A CUT ABOVE offered at OnlineCardClasses.com.  I simply can't say enough good things about this class.  The class is about die cutting, both traditional and Silhouette, with a card slant.  I had hoped that it would get me past my card making issues, but sadly, it didn't, but the techniques and products and how-tos were fantastic.
7, I think I also failed to mention that I recently took Kerri Bradford's "Oh the places you'll go" class.  Which is kind of alie, because, truth be told, I'm only about half way through it.  I have learned a metric shit ton about the Cameo software.  That's saying a lot, because I really thought I knew a ton to start with.  She's got some really fabulous examples and goes through the software in a goal-oriented way, so you aren't just learning how to do something, but why it's handy to know it.  I've put so much of it to use already.  Such a time saver.  Both classes are self paced, so if you have a little extra money to spend on yourself (don't we all??) these are really good investments.
8.  I think I said something about attempting to do another layout tonight, so I think I should wrap this up.
9. Thanks for stopping by.
10.  Nine is such a dopey way to end a list blog entry.  Who would do that? Not me!

UPDATE: That 4th page? LOLOLOLOL