Sunday, December 12, 2010

I :heart: easy

My son has a friend who practically lives at our house.  And he's just a really nice kid.  For a while I wrestled with the notion of him being a bit Eddie Haskell-ish, but after a while it just sunk in that he's one of those rare, honestly nice, kind people.  Because Ian (my son) can be sarcastic and has been prone to pushing the limits, I am very grateful for Jared's good influence. 

Last night my other son Ted came to me and asked he he could borrow one of my "tall" candles.  After some confusion and a "What the hey ho are you talking about?!", it finally occurred to me that he wanted one of the super tall birthday candles that I had gotten at Crate and Barrel a couple of years ago.  When I asked him why, he said it was Jared's birthday and they were going to put it in a Little Debbie strawberry shortcake roll and sing happy birthday to him.  One of the things that I like about Jared is that he has an infinite amount of patience for Ian's younger brother and sisters.  And they all adore him as well.

I decided to make Jared a card, and at the risk of looking like a really creepy old lady, when I came across this one in my Silhouette library I thought it pretty much said it all.  This was thrown together in about 15 minutes flat, which absolutely never happens, so it is, indeed, simple.  But I glue dotted a $10 Taco Bell gift card to the inside and signed it "Ian's Mom" and I was happy to have been able to do something for him...

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Let Go.

From Reverb10

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?(Author: Alice Bradley)

This has been a year with so many changes.  It's funny, looking back, at the things that were easy to let go of, the things that I clung to until the bitter end, the things I subbed in for those that were going, at the grumbling that occurred at times, and the silent gratitude that happened as a result.

I let go of my apartment, and the idea of living quietly and alone.  That was hard.  I love my kids and I truly welcome this chance to live with them again.  But I never had a chance to be truly autonomous until my divorce.  After 15 years of putting myself at dead last, it was nice to have a chance to be concerned with just me.  I know that sounds so selfish, and I can't even begin to justify it.  But it's the truth.  And now I am loving coming home to a full house and talking to my kids every day and helping them and being part of their lives.  They're wonderful people and this won't last forever, so I will be present and grateful for being able to finally let go and really enjoy this.

I have let go of feeling powerless to control my direction.  Since my divorce, money has been a HUGE issue and driving force in every aspect of my life.  This whole goofy circumstance has freed me from paying rent, utilities, and internet access.  That's no small amount of money.  That, in turn, allowed me to go to a four day work week.  I'm still full time, but I do make less than I would if I were there 5 days a week.  The four day work week empowered me to the think that I do, in fact, have PLENTY of time for school.  Ha.  I don't know if I have "PLENTY" of time - there are lots of times when I feel overwhelmed and stressed, but for the most part, I've got enough time to get it done, and get it done to my standards. For the first time since I left I have this peaceful "I'm gonna be okay" feeling.  I have direction, a goal, really attainable dreams, a concrete road map...  It really would have been difficult to juggle work and my school when I was at my previous job.  But I think that it was easier to say "I can't", than "I don't want to work that hard."  I'm glad that things have changed to where I'm working hard, but it feels manageable. 

There are other things/people that I need to let go of. But it's not easy, right?  It's a process.  And frankly, it happens organically, and even though  know I need to let go of something doesn't mean I can just make it happen.  Would that it were so.

Saturday, December 4, 2010


So, because I'm a sheep, and what sheep do best is follow, I decided to follow Ali Edwards' lead again and try this whole weird Reverb10 thing.  I like the way I call it a thing...that's totally somebody's mother being all judge-y there, right?

I hope, over the next couple of days, to catch up on the three days I missed, but for now, I'm going to start on the 4th prompt:

 December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)


I think I cultivated a sense of wonder by signing up for the TEEL program at Notre Dame College.  Since I've been working towards my teacher licensure I haven't  stopped wondering...  Long parts of my days are spent wondering:

  • Am I doing the right thing?
  • Was this a wise investment?
  • Will I be a good teacher?
  • Will I actually get a job when this is all said and done?
  • Am I actually smart enough for this?
  • What the hell are Grade Level Indicators?
  • SPA standards??  Huh?!
  • How much money will I make?  Will it be enough to support me?
  • How long will this take?
  • Will I be able to get a job in a district I want to work in?
  • Am I doing this assignment right??
  • WHY do we have to upload stuff to Tk20?
And on, and on, and on...

Anyone that knows me will tell you I'm a worrier.  But it's not just worrying.  It's wondering, daydreaming, hoping... wishing.  I am so very excited about the changes I'm making for myself.  I am so grateful for the goofy circumstances I'm in that have afforded me this opportunity.  I'm so happy that the people affected by this are willing to stand by me and support me.  I'm eternally indebted to the people who have made concessions to my schedule, who have listened to me whine, who have given my children rides to sports practices...  I am fully aware that I'm not doing this alone, and I have not stopped wondering how this "chance" happened into my lap all these years after I thought that "chance" was gone.

There are lots of ways to wonder, and I realize mine may not be the most romantic, or touching, but to me it is the happiest bunch of questions that I could be asking myself right now.