Sunday, December 5, 2010

Let Go.

From Reverb10

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?(Author: Alice Bradley)

This has been a year with so many changes.  It's funny, looking back, at the things that were easy to let go of, the things that I clung to until the bitter end, the things I subbed in for those that were going, at the grumbling that occurred at times, and the silent gratitude that happened as a result.

I let go of my apartment, and the idea of living quietly and alone.  That was hard.  I love my kids and I truly welcome this chance to live with them again.  But I never had a chance to be truly autonomous until my divorce.  After 15 years of putting myself at dead last, it was nice to have a chance to be concerned with just me.  I know that sounds so selfish, and I can't even begin to justify it.  But it's the truth.  And now I am loving coming home to a full house and talking to my kids every day and helping them and being part of their lives.  They're wonderful people and this won't last forever, so I will be present and grateful for being able to finally let go and really enjoy this.

I have let go of feeling powerless to control my direction.  Since my divorce, money has been a HUGE issue and driving force in every aspect of my life.  This whole goofy circumstance has freed me from paying rent, utilities, and internet access.  That's no small amount of money.  That, in turn, allowed me to go to a four day work week.  I'm still full time, but I do make less than I would if I were there 5 days a week.  The four day work week empowered me to the think that I do, in fact, have PLENTY of time for school.  Ha.  I don't know if I have "PLENTY" of time - there are lots of times when I feel overwhelmed and stressed, but for the most part, I've got enough time to get it done, and get it done to my standards. For the first time since I left I have this peaceful "I'm gonna be okay" feeling.  I have direction, a goal, really attainable dreams, a concrete road map...  It really would have been difficult to juggle work and my school when I was at my previous job.  But I think that it was easier to say "I can't", than "I don't want to work that hard."  I'm glad that things have changed to where I'm working hard, but it feels manageable. 

There are other things/people that I need to let go of. But it's not easy, right?  It's a process.  And frankly, it happens organically, and even though  know I need to let go of something doesn't mean I can just make it happen.  Would that it were so.

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